Bad Habits

Self-doubting
Overthinking
Not thinking
biting my nails
biting my tongue
loving people for the their tragedy
staying
staying even when it hurts
leaving
falling in love with people's unrealized potential
deviating from the norm
lowering my standards to conform
being too honest
being there
not being there enough
speaking
not speaking up
acting tough
but still letting my assumptions grow to fears
it always brings me to tears
especially after too many beers
waking up
not wanting to wake up
being too much
being too little
showing my face without a smile makeup
learning to find comfort in being alone
not finding it
having no comfort zone
seeking salvation in others
looking for home
getting my hopes up
and
those damn cigarretes
because what used to be hopes and bliss
is now holes
an abyss
cause every time I think about all this
I feel the smoke sneak through and unlike me move on
and then I feel emptied
and light up another one.

-HP2019