You fall asleep feeling what you want to see, so you wake up being what you want to be.
January 2021 or how I managed to re-start my old ways within 12 days.
At the beginning of the new year I discovered the power of visualizations. Getting through the resistance to reverse the past outcomes of the situations in my mind, I discovered the most powerful tool that enabled me to slowly reprogram my mind so I could get in touch with my values and start moving forward with a clean slate and a positive outlook.
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If I deceive myself all the time anyway, then, at least, I’ll do it my way
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1.1.2021, Friday
It seems easy behind the smokescreen
I woke up to the smoky day, not seeing further than 10 meters ahead. The fumes from the fireworks covered the melted face of the new year and left me with no expectations… I was feeling strangely neutral. Stillness inside me reminded me of calm sea in the morning or the silent afternoons before the evening storm. Determined to keep this neutral mood going forward, I ignored the old memories peaking in my mind from time to time, pushing their nosy remarks backwards, so they stayed behind the 2021 start line. The old was supposed to sit quietly in the 2020 and I already felt different. Taking a deep breath I kept enjoying the freshness of the idea of the new year and I let my brain to be thoughtless for as long as it was possible. Falling asleep with an empty mind for the first time after many months of turmoil felt like having an empty cup, ready to be filled with a fresh tea for the next day.
2.1.2021, Saturday
Peaking through the veil
Ignorance was bliss, especially on that Saturday morning. Waking up late after a good night sleep felt great. My mind was still empty. However, I started feeling as if behind the veil of my consciousness, there was someone or something waiting. One thing that was purposely forgotten. I knew that I wanted to deal with it but, perhaps, later….And here and there, the old was moving with the veil, creating a movement in my mind that started like a light breeze, but slowly, it turned into a hurricane that took everything with it that was standing in its way – every new thought that was built, every new feeling that was felt. The moments before the sleep were more and more alert and the stories that my mind was retelling, were as vivid as before. Nothing changed. Nothing changed because I didn’t change. That night I realized it couldn’t continue that way, anymore.
3.1.2021, Sunday
Tasting the imagination
Waking up after a night spent in the past memories is like waking up with a painful hangover. You want to forget it but the headache reminds you of your silly choices you made the previous night. I tried to scrape through the day, attempting to enjoy the last day of the sweet idleness, with one intention in mind – to make it to the end of the day with the least amount of tears and past memories. That night I decided to rewrite the old scenarios and create my own closure for what I needed to make peace with. I had nothing planned. I just knew I wanted to sit on the beach with white a sand, crystal clear azure water below a blue sky and let whoever I wanted, to come to sit next to me and talk. That was what I visualized.
4.1.2021, Monday – 8.1.2020, Friday
Love & Release
I remember those days pretty clearly, I was falling asleep rethinking the most difficult moments of 2020, creating new stories how the challenging situations resolved themselves. I heard myself saying all the things that I wanted to say differently than I said them in the past and as I was talking, I also kept imagining what else the other parties involved responded. I was falling asleep with an imagination of an emotion of how I would feel if everything went the way I desired and if those questions that were always lacking answers, would had been answered. I knew I would never get the closure that I needed, so I had to create it for myself the best way I could. As I expected, majority of these attempts ended up in teary endings and sad realizations that this would never happen in real life. Little did I know that I was on the right path…I started to feel more energized and my cup was slowly filling with the warmth. I started getting in touch with my feelings and realized that the last thing I had to do before I would fully embark on the journey towards the new, was to send the love & light to someone I deeply cared about. And then I let it go…knowing I would always carry it in my heart made me feel free with no regrets. I did all I could but I had to release.
9.1.2021, Saturday – 10.1.2021, Sunday
I felt so “high”
The mornings started to look rather balanced for me. I felt good. The thoughts about the past were still blabbering their never-ending monologue, although what they were saying carried a completely different vibe. The silver linings that I started to see, as a result of the painful past situations, were bringing the warmth to my whole body. What I was thinking about before my sleep was now part of my life, at least energetically. The positivity I was sending outwards – I felt it coming back to me, inwards, like a boomerang. I felt hopeful, yet with no expectations. I felt happy, yet with no outside stimulus. I felt like I was myself again. Light-hearted, dreamy and stress free. During those days I recognized the power of thoughts: “If I deceive myself all the time anyway, then at least I’ll do it my way”. I kept carrying on with my evening visualizations until I started feeling like I released and felt flooded with forgiveness.
11.1.2021, Monday – 13.1.2021, Wednesday
New moon, new me
The new moon in Capricorn, which is about “the new beginnings” (13th of Jan.), only strengthened the power of my visualizations. My dreams were becoming the continuations of my fantasies which I delved into every night before I fell asleep. Every night I sat on the beach and talked with my companion about everything that was sitting heavily on my heart. Every night I sent them love and then released. However, there came a moment when I stood up and started walking away, seeing a new world opening in front of me, as if the wind from the sea was pushing me to move forward and open the new chapter of imagination about what I truly deserved and desired. And there I was, embarking the new path alone but feeling truly free. I knew I wouldn’t go astray. Every night, I would keep imagining the road I wanted to follow. I could feel the feeling of knowing that I was doing what was in my effort to be my best for everyone around me and for myself. And one day, I will give my hand to someone to accompany me alongside my journey, and when I do, it will be for me.
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